Benedictine brain damage

With the distinctive bouquet of a vanilla drenched (and highly caffeinated) curative brew, the classic libation of Bucky has no substitute. Somehow this traditional apothecary product has become a recreational staple in cities all over Britain.

Made from a unique recipe, many connoisseurs will appreciate the heft of the pallet and an uncompromising medicinal bass note. Furthermore many hard core party goers will appreciate the heavy head charge and 'up for it' overtones. 

According to Enterprise Endelli:

"This renowned tonic wine is packaged by J Chandlers and produced at the Buckfast Abbey by Benedictine monks. The recipe is attributed to the original French monks who settled at Buckfast Abbey in the 1880's. Base wines from Spain, known as mistellas, were imported and to these were added the tonic ingredients according to an old recipe."

According to distributors J Chandler & Co:

World-wide sales of Buckfast, including those in the UK, are worth £28,000,000

According to Strathclyde Police:

The tonic wine was mentioned in more than 5,000 crime reports between 2007 and 2010.

The full body intoxication experience associated with Buckfast is well known among sections of the post rave generation. Instead of expending hundreds of pounds on a cornucopia of pharmacology, a single bottle for less than a tenner sets anyone up for a major night out. There is also an unavoidable reality of the drink being associated with the theft of motor vehicles. The correlation between drinking Buckfast and committing crimes has periodically featured in the popular press.

There are other drinks which feature high alcohol levels with substantial caffeine percentages. Many club goers have come to accept the particularly potent combination of Red Bull and Vodka. However the monks of Buckfastleigh Abbey have perfected the blending of additional compounds which truly set Bucky apart from contemporary energy drink cocktails.

The problems with enjoying this spectacular vintage generally arise when the drinker is required to provide their own entertainment. There is a prevalent theory that relates to the particular characteristics displayed by those consuming this legendary liquor. Everybody can remember the misspent years of youth engaged with peers in high jinks. Most will also recall the individuals who would always go a step further than everyone else. Buckfast Tonic Wine turns everyone into that rogue aficionado of exuberance. Therefore if you partake of this quixotic combination of chaotic alchemy, a confined environment is essential. Any busy nightclub or live music event is suitable and generally most efficacious. Remaining indoors to imbibe any quantity of the wine can invariably lead to certain abnormal behaviour, including (but not limited to);

• Spontaneous dancing around the living room
• Off key and voluminous singing
• Shouting at the television
• Ill conceived telephone conversations
• Domestic disputes

Due to the inexhaustible desire for more 'fun' there is a distinct danger that the revelry may spill out of the domicile. This egress may further complicate matters with roaming Bucky heads displaying a propensity for;

• Belligerent exchanges with neighbours
• Stealing of cars
• Joyriding of stolen cars
• Burning out of joyridden, stolen cars
• Fighting in the street
• Random vandalism
• Challenging authority in all forms - police, security staff, bar staff, shop staff, newspaper vendors, bus drivers, bus stops, parking meters, parked cars that haven't been burned out, joyridden or stolen yet.

Anyone intending to find the source of the dark brown fortified river, will find themselves eventually reaching Buckfastleigh Abbey in Devon. In order to observe the vats and wine blending facilities, the pilgrim must be in attendance as a corporate hospitality delegate. The general public are not permitted access to the brewing facilities and must settle for seeking out the few bottles on the shelf behind the counter of the gift shop. Considering the extensive market coverage of the beverage, the average day tripper would be hard pressed to even notice the Abbey's most infamous product. The vast car parking facilities are generally festooned with tour buses and day trippers on excursions.

The available tours include the Abbey and the accompanying farm facilities. Unless the visitor wades through endless branded key fobs, biscuit tins, stationary and other stereotypical merchandise to question the gift shop staff, they would never know the drink existed. Upon their inquiry, the somewhat more casually dressed monk will explain that it's all very low key and there's really not much to be seen anyway.

Hmm, yes it's not very well known you know. How is it that you know about it - have you tried it?

It's almost as if the Benedictine clergy are deliberately seeking to obfuscate their product. Somehow the 28 million pounds per annum made from sales are considered as a minor facet of the Abbey portfolio. It is difficult to imagine that the sales of the various gift shop items could ever equate to even a small percentage of the alcohol sales. Perhaps the Abbey administrators are aware of the widespread usage of their product in ways which are certainly spirited but not exactly what could be termed spiritual.

In stark contrast to the whimsical acknowledgement shown by the clerical face of Bukfastleigh Abbey, their legal representation is very high profile. A casual search reveals that the lawyers of J Chandler & Co are generally quite active in terms of defending the image of the product. Much of their work appears to be challenging govt and police restrictions on sales of Buckfast Tonic Wine. Clearly the revenue generated by sales are sufficient to justify retaining top flight legal representation. Perhaps it could be that the monks have come to perceive the substantial revenue as essential means for the ongoing delivery of their holy duty. Critically important funds for the bringing of joy and light to working class residents. The spiritual nourishment of those languishing in the unenlightened wastelands of Glasgow, Belfast, Newcastle, Manchester, Liverpool and Birmingham.

With the origins of the Benedictine wine blending dating back to 1897, the mature product has had considerable marketing and development.

In no way could anyone ever consider Buckfast to represent a fast buck.